


He’s a nightmare, my love (do you love me all the same?)

by Anonymous



Series: At what point is it too late to turn back? (They hold a tight grip on me and force me forward) [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ballet, Donghyuck is sad, Doyoung is only mentioned, Insecurity, I’m sorry, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan Needs a Hug, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, Loneliness, M/M, Mark and Haechan are friends, Mark wasn’t meant to be a bad person, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, but Haechan feels like he’s lost mark, haechan-centric, hyuck does ballet, im sorry, it doesn’t make sense, the plot doesn’t really exist, this isn’t a romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:06:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26930353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Donghyuck thinks back to when he began to feel lonely. He can’t remember.There’s  a certain comfort that comes with feeling sad, so much so that he doesn’t realise he’s falling
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee
Series: At what point is it too late to turn back? (They hold a tight grip on me and force me forward) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975156
Comments: 8
Kudos: 82
Collections: anonymous





	He’s a nightmare, my love (do you love me all the same?)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all, my friend recommended I don’t post this for a multitude of reasons, the first was because it’s so sad. I’ve decided to anyways and I’m sorry for that. This is not the worst work this website has seen lol  
> I’d like to make is specifically clear that this was a projection of everything I’ve been going through recently, and that the people mentioned are not portrayed correctly in the slightest. Mark is a sweetheart and I’m sorry I used him as a villain in this. This is not real, it is a work of fiction and I’m sorry I wrote about this. I’m unsure if there needs to be any trigger warnings, but if there is please notify me in the comments.
> 
> With that said. This is a bit of an introspection and really lonely. None of the events in this book are true and so many of the facts may be inaccurate. I hope u enjoy it all the same and I’m always free to talk with any of you!!

Hiraeth : a welsh word to describe homesickness, nostalgia of an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that never was.

I. Haechan learns the hollowness of himself, and wraps himself in The warmth of loneliness

When Donghyuck thinks about it, lying in his bed staring at the ceiling with dried tear tracks, he thinks he has no reason to be sad. It was only time karma got to him in the most vicious way he could imagine.

Maybe not so quite, but Donghyuck had always had a flair for dramatics. _Doyoung says it was because he was the oldest child and had raised his siblings instead of being raised himself, but Donghyuck says he’s being silly because he’s not dramatic at all._

Donghyuck is sure that he has no right to be so hurt, so put up over something when he had committed the previous act years ago.

You see, sitting there, all miserable, Donghyuck has never felt more lonely and unneeded in his life, and has come to the consequential conclusion it all stemmed from leaving Jeju as a mere teenager.

——

When Donghyuck was thirteen, and filled with hope and a little bit of wonder, he begged his parents to take him for Sm’s famous Saturday auditions. His father had outright laughed in his face and his mother had shot down that notion within seconds because “Donghyuck you do realise they are impossible right? I’m not going to drive all the way there only for failure”

He hadn’t been deterred, because he had expected as much and instead spent the whole week convincing his parents to let him audition. To everyone’s shock, not only did he successfully enter, but he also became apart of sm rookies.

In doing so, he left a small part of himself at Jeju, with the forgotten roads, the hidden hangouts and the people he had grown up surrounded with. His old ballet teacher had patted him in the back and told him to never forget the essence of what he was dancing for and with that he had turned his back.

(Years later, after successfully debuting twice, after having his hands in fame, his face on posters and his smile on camera, he is forced to come back and everything has changed and he feels so out of place.

It’s easier to feel more at home in Jeju by basking in the familiarity he pretends still exists.)  
Going back home had been a shock, because although he had raised his younger siblings, he can’t remember seeing them grow up with him. His heart aches a bit. Going back to Jeju had made him feel like an outsider so he considered that when he went back to the dorms he’d feel overwhelming relief and support. Instead he was met with a hollowness that never left, a need to make a name for himself and the constant feeling of falling into nothing.

Later on, when he’s at his worst, he thinks moving into the 127 dorm triggers his realisation. It slowly creeps up within him, when he’s locked in his room because the hyungs are drinking and he’s the only underaged in the dorm, when people look at mark and their eyes are glowing, and _oh_ \- they think of the golden maknae, the kid who debuted three times and works hard and creates his own footprint in the world and then everything is interrupted by his shrill voice and his overbearing-ness and everything is just spoiled by him.

The feeling blends in with him, threading themselves until he can’t remember when the sadness started when he gets a call from his brother and it’s so awkward. And Donghyuck realises maybe his parents were better off with two kids instead of three.

The feeling becomes a friend, a reliability, something that will never leave him when he visits the dreamies, and he feels so disoriented. Chenle has Jisung and Jaemin has Jeno and Renjun. Donghyuck is left without a partner and he thinks that maybe Mark could have been it, but then he remembers his trainee days and sighs,

Spending time with the dreamies is hard, but at the same time it’s easy. These were the people he grew up with and improved with. He could think of family without imagining his fellow 00 line members.

Even though everyone had someone, Donghyuck had felt unsure whether he did or not. Going on Twitter, he sees raves and rants, threads and hashtags all for Mark and him, and yet all it seems like Mark does is escape him.

(That’s all his own fault though, because sm rookies donghyuck went through hell and back to annoy Mark.)

On the contrary though, Donghyuck knows Mark is his best friend. It just never feels like it.

So that’s why it has always torn right through Donghyuck when Mark decides to forget Donghyuck and easily find another friend when all he, himself has is himself.

The feeling comes back one day, after a week of feeling as if everything was okay, ice spreads through him and he feels himself being so different and bad compared to his members that he walks straight out of practise and throws up.

He feels miserable. _(No one else feels miserable, he’s just an anomaly)_

The reflection that looks back at Donghyuck is not Haechan, even though they share the same characteristics. He supposes he better damn well try because he’s already let his members down once.

When he’s trying to sleep, the voice tells him everything a mirror couldn’t. Being surrounded by literal visual kings isn’t as good to his mental health as it seems.

Even then, he wonders why this emptiness is there and existing.

Despite their rather cat and mouse friendship, Donghyuck and Mark are close. They were the closest in age within the dorms so it comes off as shocking and demeaning when Mark acts better than him. He stomps out the little voice telling him that Mark _is_ better than him.

It had been Donghyuck and Mark. Mark and Donghyuck.

Mark, _Mark_ , held a special place in everyone’s mind. In a prideful way, Donghyuck could safely say that he was the one most on Mark's mind though, and so even if he wasn’t spared another glance, it was enough.

It had been Donghyuck and Mark racing around SM as trainees, it had been Donghyuck and Mark tired from their schedules together and for a long time it had been Donghyuck and Mark, roommates.

Even through the freezing hollowness, a flicker formed, feeling the warmth of golden boy Mark.

He supposes that’s why it hurts when Mark debuts in SuperM, and Donghyuck is so happy for him, because Markie, the boy who almost left SM because of him was spending time with their literal role models and Mark, the boy who had held his hand and comforted him _had made it._

Donghyuck feels alone, more then ever when he goes to tell Mark a joke at their practises and he isn’t there, when he goes into his room at night for someone to talk to and the bed is empty, when he eventually phones Mark and it goes into voicemail and when he feels the flicker of warmth fade out.

_yournotworthit.yournotworthit.Yournotworthit.yournotworthit.yournotworthit.yournotworthit._

Right. Anyways.  
Donghyuck watches as he loses his space in Mark's mind, Donghyuck stands there and watches awkwardly as new people take his Markie, as he’s forgotten about by even the one person that tried to remember.

And Donghyuck feels so alone.

There’s a certain numbness to it. Sometimes he thinks he could cry and nothing falls. Sometimes he justifies being mad but can’t do anything more than huff into a pillow and wait for something more than being left on read.

( **Donghyuck:** hey Markiepoo~ wanna go to get ice cream tonight?  
 _Saturday, 3:54 pm_

 **Donghyuck:** Mark?  
 _Saturday 10:07 pm_

 **Donghyuck:** hyung you do realise you could’ve just said you were busy right?  
 _Monday, 9:46 am seen_  
**Mark:**  
Sorry Haechan I was busy with the SuperM hyungs, I’ll make it up to you   
next weekend alright.  
_Tuesday, 7:39 pm_

It becomes a constant cycle so Donghyuck learns to stop bothering.)

Instead, Donghyuck tries to think of times he felt good enough, and after an hour of thinking, he comes to the starling realisation that he hasn’t felt good enough in a long time. To distract himself, he goes onto Twitter and looks through his feed.

SuperM is trending, and Donghyuck regretfully looks into the tag to see Mark having the time of his life and being so carefree. _Was he ever like this with you?_  
Donghyuck throws his phone against his room. He’s not good enough. Not compared to everyone else.

—-  
Donghyuck gets tired of being tired. He’s tired of seeing the concerned look in everyone’s eyes. And so he brings out his old ballet shoes, packs a gym bag and leaves for the studio.

It’s crazy, really.

He can’t exactly remember many of the dances he’s performed, but he remembers the techniques, and the foundations and the elegance. His time learning ballet had made him shine on the audition day, so it’s not something he tries to forget.

Allowing himself the proper time to stretch and take care of his body, he revels in his form of self care. Maybe if he tires himself enough he’ll feel good enough for everyone.

There are icy vines controlling his body, his mind, and a hollowness in himself that allows himself to dance freely and lightly for hours. There’s a strictness in his form, a slowness in his movements and a desperation that allows himself to paint in the practise rooms.

He doesn’t know how long he spends tiring himself out. Maybe not long enough. Maybe too long. But he knows that in the early hours of the morning when he collapses onto the floor, breathing heavily and utterly spent, dissatisfaction still rings through him.

There’s an ache in every part of his body, a weight in his heart and a dimmed passion. He’s felt so much in such little time and yet he still feels nothing at all.

With no energy left in him, he doesn’t move from the floor and instead curls up. _Had he told any of the members where he was?_ God no he hadn’t he was in such big trouble. Taeyong shouldn’t have to deal with him on top of his already heavy workload.

He didn’t expect to cry. But curled up on the goddamn floor of the practise room, Donghyuck sobs. He doesn’t know why he’s crying, but that doesn’t stop the torrent of tears and the pain in his chest.

There’s a startling realisation that, maybe he wasn’t okay and that he hadn’t been for along time because he’s crying like a goddamn baby over other people living their lives.

Donghyuck does not know where to go from here, so he stays in the quiet comfort that comes with being all alone, and hope that Haechan still thrives while he crumbles.

Haechan is all he has left, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! <3 as of the 18/10/2020 I’ve edited this chapter and decided to make this into a series, the next installment will have a much more peaceful tone and the final part will be more hopeful. Not a happy ending because angst is where I flourish but a happier.


End file.
